Assertiveness Training is about learning to get one's needs met. We are happier if we know how to do this through cooperation rather than our old self-defeating habits. Being assertive is meeting our needs in ways that respect our values and those of others in our lives. With Assertiveness Training, we can find relief from feelings of guilt, shame, anger, fear, and frustration.

A genuinely always assertive person is rare. Most of us fall into one of three basic styles of being. We may vary these styles depending on the immediate situation, but usually one style is pervasive. We each need to identify our basic style in order to increase our power of self-observation; see it at work; see the ways in which our style is an obstacle; see where it comes from; and how it plays as a reflex reaction in our lives. Assertiveness Training can teach you how to see yourself!

You will not find these styles in the DSM IV, but you may recognize them in yourself if you are becoming self-observant and self-aware! Power vs self-empowerment and responsibility for self and others are reflected in our styles.

The Passive Style ~ The passive style has internalized all of the 'don'ts'. Don't complain; don't make mistakes; don't question; don't upset others; etc. The passive style has obeyed all the rules at the cost of self-respect; hiding genuine feelings; and developing subtle means of manipulation and losing even more self-respect thereby. The non-assertive passive person is full of 'coulds, woulds, shoulds, and oughts' and the guilt that comes with them. This is not a happy camper. The passive wants neither power nor responsibility. Assertiveness leads to increasing self-respect and healthier relationships.

The Aggressive Style ~ Any time you want a person, place or thing to be different from what it inherently is ~ you are being aggressive towards it. The aggressive style will tell you what you could, should, would, and ought to do, to be, to want, and how to live your life. The aggressive style accuses, threatens (even in subtle ways), and pushes people around without regard to their feelings. No one pushes an aggressive around, but neither do people want to be around them! They are afraid they will get nothing if they don't just take it. The aggressive style wants power but will not take responsibility. Assertiveness Training can help!

The Passive-Aggressive Style ~ The passive-aggressive style is highly manipulative wanting power but not responsibility for any outcomes. This is best described by example. If a passive-aggressive style is cold while visiting in your home, s/he may ask if you are cold; if you say 'no', s/he will withdraw thinking you are insensitive. And worse, this is one who engages in backdoor whispers and innuendo. S/he is unhappy and unable to simply say "I am cold, please turn up the heat." This one is trapped in very old programming. Assertiveness Training can help free the passive-aggressive to live whole.

Remember, our style is learned and once served a purpose for us; the problem arises when we no longer need the habit, but we have had it so long, that it is reflexive. What is learned can be unlearned and changed when it no longer serves.

D~E~S~K is an acronym for a four-part process in Assertiveness Training. It is suggested that you have a situation in mind as you read this and that you use a mirror to watch your body language as you speak. It is even better if you have a trusted friend to role-play with you. Remember, though, that our habitual patterns are generally well established with our friends. This has good and difficult aspects. The good are the trust you feel and the familiarity you have. The difficult is that often our friends are uncomfortable when we try to change.

D~E~S~K for Assertiveness Training is best seen with an illustration. The example here is an actual instance of increased workload and responsibility without commensurate assistants or money. After much turmoil at not being recognized and frustration with trying to meet deadlines, AND practice at D~E~S~K, the woman, a publishing production manager, decides to speak to the boss and makes an appointment to do so.

D ~ DESCRIBE THE SITUATION. Just the facts! No blaming! No finger pointing.

Employee says: I started this job over a year ago with 52 periodicals; since I started, we have acquired 18 additional journals without increasing staff or compensation.

JUST THE FACTS. There is no room for disagreement.

E ~ EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL about the facts. A feeling statement is simple and direct. I feel _____ (fill in the blank). If you say I feel that _____, it is not a feeling; it's an idea or a thought. If you say, I think _____, it is not a feeling. This is often difficult and needs genuine practice watching all aspect of communication including body, stance, eye contact, voice tones etc.

Employee says: I am feeling frustrated and overworked and angry because I am having problems meeting deadlines.

S ~ STATE WHAT YOU WANT (need). Stating what we want is often very hard. We have learned not to want or to take by force of some kind or to shift the responsibility onto someone else in manipulative ways.

Employee says: In order to meet this increased load, I need one more full time person and an additional 20 hour part timer in my department. I also want a commensurate increase in pay.

K ~ KNOW THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES We are all good at imagining and projecting the worst case! Now is the time to do just that! Each outcome you think of means you need to go back to D and role play with the new information. This is the point when most effort to change fails, we let the old habit pattern take over and lose thereby.

Boss says: You are right, we have expanded. I will need you to show me how many additional hours your department requires to meet current work.

What do you think the employee does or says next? Think this through from the beginning to where it ends.

This method is deceptively simple in presentation. Like all tools, it requires real-time practice. Abova! offers the opportunity for online practice by appointment and will give real-life situations personal attention.